I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
