trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Randomize
