I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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