The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
