I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
