i permit you to call me
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
