about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
