Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
