mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
