he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
