Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
