We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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