You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
