I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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