Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
