I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
