So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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