I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
