the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
