Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize
