He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
