i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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