if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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