I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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