the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
