dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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