On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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