Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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