If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
