i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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