I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
