I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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