her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
