i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
