I must be too annoying 4 u.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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