I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
