dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
