Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
