I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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