Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
