what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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