My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
