You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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