I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
