I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
