You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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