Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
