I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
