Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
