oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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